Fic: Equanimity in a Cup

[woodface]

Disclaimer: Not mine
Pairing: Sam/Pete, Sam/Jack
Category: Angst
Rating: PG
Set/Spoilers: Season 8 (no plot spoilers)
Summary: Things are different now, but exactly the same.

A/N: Thanks to my beta splash_the_cat.


Things are different now, but exactly the same. She’s in charge of his team. She’s in control of what happens (as in control as one can ever get on off world missions, anyway). But sometimes, in the heat of battle, she still turns to her left to ask for his orders. Those times are getting fewer though; it’s becoming natural to make the decision, to step up and do what he has taught her to do.

It might sound strange but she thinks that command does suit her. It was hard at first, ordering her friends around, but they both got used to it.

Her personal life is spinning the entire other way. It still amazes her that she even has one now. She’s not in control there, couldn’t be more not in control if she tried. It’s dizzying, terrifying. She’s come to realise that perhaps this is exactly how life should be, having no tight reign on her emotions, let alone his. For the first time, she doesn’t mind. She’s uncertain of whether or not his transfer is the right decision, but it seems worth the risk because he seems to think that they are more important than his career. Perhaps even more important than hers. That’s a concept she’s unfamiliar with but she sort of likes it.

Sometimes though, like now, she feels like she’s missing something. She chooses not to dwell on it; it’s too incomprehensible for her to grasp anyway.

She raises her cup of coffee to her lips and cringes when she finds the liquid cold.

“Do you want a fresh cup, Colonel Carter?” Teal’c is already picking up the pot and moving to her side of the camp fire.

“Thanks, Teal’c.” She nods and empties the cup into the fire before holding it out.

The brushes rustle as Daniel returns to the camp and sits down across from her. “Perimeter’s secure,” he says matter of factly. He’s been taking more and more military duties upon himself. It makes her wonder about how much he has changed over the time they have all spend on SG-1. How much they have all changed, for that matter.

Sam nurses her warm cup while Teal’c automatically pours Daniel a cup too.

She smiles faintly and takes a long swallow from the coffee. The liquid is hot, nearly burning the back of her throat but it feels good and she hums in satisfaction, hearing a similar noise coming from across the fire.

Daniel chuckles. “Jack’s threatened to put us all on décaf the next time we don’t make our deadline.”

“Pete said pretty much the same if I dare to come back injured again.” She answers absently.

There’s something inexplicable that ties her work and her personal life together. Something she hasn’t had since her mother died; there’s always someone waiting for her at home.

Comments

[lyssie.livejournal.com]

sigh. Wistful and calm. And makes me melancholy. *flops*

*pets* And not long enough. ;)

[liminalliz.livejournal.com]

FIC! oh em ef gee. YAY. ::pets it::

Poor Sam.

But sometimes, in the heat of battle, she still turns to her left to ask for his orders. Those times are getting fewer though; it’s becoming natural to make the decision, to step up and do what he has taught her to do.

LOVE THAT.

[woodface]

Awwwww, sowwy *knuffels*

I'll try to convince my muse to edit the longer fluff fic I have finished.

[woodface]

*laughs* *huggles* My next fic won't have Pete, okay? ;o)

Thanks =o)

[lyssie.livejournal.com]

*beats connection*

Yay. Longer fluff!

And I agree with Liz. The bit with her looking to the left, although she's getting used to him not being there? Brilliant.

[woodface]

*blush* Thanks, hon =o)

[malinne.livejournal.com]

So melancholy. Poor Sam. Trying to adjust to her new life, but acutely aware of what's missing. *sniff*

[woodface]

I wouldn't say acutely ;o)

Thanks =o)

[evangeline1138.livejournal.com]

Lovely, Jara. *sigh*

I like that same line, too. It would be a hard habit to break; she has always looked to him, personally as well as professionally, I think. It must be hard to get used to, being in charge of the decisions and not just being able to see the easy way through (save him, help her, this is right and this is wrong).

There’s something inexplicable that ties her work and her personal life together. Something she hasn’t had since her mother died; there’s always someone waiting for her at home.

Another great line here. I suppose this is why it's difficult for her to separate her professional and personal life--they were tied together at home when she was younger because of her parents, and later that authority or military-type figure just became standard. She was involved with Hansen (military), now Pete (police--also military, in a way). I wonder who else she had a relationship with in the past. I would think it was probably the same type of guy. *shrug* And Jack is the best of both worlds. Unfortunately, because of that, he's the one guy she can't have. She's very good at setting her personal life up for failure. *pets Sam* She's so afraid of the possible loss and heartache.

[evangeline1138.livejournal.com]

Okay, now that I'm not rushing to pick up the kidlet, I can add what I left off before.

She’s not in control there, couldn’t be more not in control if she tried. It’s dizzying, terrifying. She’s come to realise that perhaps this is exactly how life should be, having no tight reign on her emotions, let alone his.

And I think maybe you hit the nail on the head--this is what she's been so terrified of. That's why Jack is the safe bet. She's fallen for him, but she can't have him. That way she can justify not taking a chance on love and all the dizzying, terrifying, out of control emotions it brings. She's in love, so she knows love, but she can't have him, so it's not her fault. Not my fault, she tells herself, and exonerates and cages herself in one breath. Maybe telling Pete "yes" was so hard (among other reasons) because she knew it would be the ultimate loss of control, and Carter is all about control, isn't she? The few times she let go, I think it did cost her a lot, in peace of mind, if nothing else. Maybe that's why Jack didn't seem to want her to say anything the couple of times she tried to. I think it goes a lot deeper than regs. He wants her to be ready to say it, not have her admit her feelings because he is in danger yet again and she's terrified he'll die without him knowing the truth. He wants her to embrace her feelings and not be afraid of them. And I don't think she can have a real relationship with him until she does that. Maybe Pete will be her proving ground, and in the process of discovering that she can allow herself to feel, she will realize that happiness is worth the pain, and know that she can at last be free to love Jack and make whatever decision or compromise is necessary in order for them to be together. Whew! God, that was horribly long-winded.

Anyhoo, love the fic, Jara. *g*

[woodface]

*laughs* And that's exactly how I see Pete; a way for Sam to lose control and face that other part of her life that doesn't involve naquadah reactors.

Also Jack not wanting to hear Sam's confession? Totally agree, I think Jack didn't want her to say anything because it would more be about him dying than about her facing her feelings.

So, see? Pete will only lead to Sam/Jack in the long run *bounce*

[woodface]

The lunatic fringe? ;o) Jack certainly fits in that same category. Wonder how healthy it is.

*knuffels Sam*

Thanks, hon.

[surreallis.livejournal.com]

Good stuff! Sam is finally at the apex of all her training. It's a natural progression and Jack is undoubtably proud of her and probably takes some pride himself in creating her. Yet, it's bittersweet.

I like how the more control she has over her professional life, the more her personal life spins away from her. She can never quite get the right balance.

[woodface]

I think that's something you really see in S8, how proud Jack is of Sam. *pats them*

I don't think she needs to be in control of her personal life. Not as much as she has been anyway. *thinks it will do her good*

Thanks, glad you liked it =o)

[wikidwitch.livejournal.com]

Ooh, that was nice and introspective. I like how it's short and captures the point of the whole thing. Lets face it, there's not much one can say - particularly one as *careful* as Sam Carter.

I particularly like the finale;

There’s something inexplicable that ties her work and her personal life together. Something she hasn’t had since her mother died; there’s always someone waiting for her at home.

It's so damn squeeable and I never thought about it that way ...

[woodface]

Hee! Thank you, glad you liked it =o)

It's so damn squeeable and I never thought about it that way ...

It is a bit, isn't it? *pats Jack waiting for her at teh SGC* (Pete who? ;o)

[stars-like-dust.livejournal.com]

Aw. It pensive, kind of. I like it.

It’s dizzying, terrifying. She’s come to realise that perhaps this is exactly how life should be, having no tight reign on her emotions, let alone his. For the first time, she doesn’t mind.

I liked this line very much.

Really lovely, hon. *knuffels*

[woodface]

Yaaaaaaay! Thank you, hon. I'm glad you liked it *knuffels*

[besyd.livejournal.com]

Nicely done, Jara. You painted a lovely picture full of emotions ... pulled me right into it. Thanks.

[mebfeather.livejournal.com]

So wistful, but not quite melacholy. It's very much someone's deep thoughts. Very nice :)

And I *so* wasn't expecting Pete. :D

[woodface]

Thanks, hon!

And I *so* wasn't expecting Pete. :D

I warned in the header though ;o)

[woodface]

Thank you! =o)

[deltachild.livejournal.com]

I really wasn't expecting Pete either :)

Lovely, beautiful, wistful little fic...(too little), makes me long to watch Season 8 even more though.

[woodface]

But it says Pete in the header ;o)

Awwwwww *cuddles* S8 has been mostly good for Sam oggling. ;o)

Thanks, hon! =o)