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woodfaceI'm not sure how to start this post, I'm not sure how to describe my state of mind this last week. I know I'm being filled with sounds, thoughts and emotions that are constantly struggling against each other. It's however nearly impossible to identify them all, to say "this is how I feel, this is how I'm doing". I can sense what is going on inside of me but it's like I'm standing on the outside, watching it all swirl without really knowing what is causing the movement, without feeling that these feelings are mine.
It's early dark outside, as if summer decided to skip fall and move right into winter. Maybe it just feels that way because my mind is doing the same. My body and mind are tense, every nerve and sense is alert, anticipating something. I'm not sure what. I'm keeping in my breath, waiting for Hallow's Eve. Something primitive inside of me recognising that old new year's eve. Part of a culture that long ago died but left it's mark on me by synchronising my life with it. And while for the last 22 years this little fact has been fun to know, the 23rd time it seems to have a certain significance, I just wish that I knew what it was. It could merely be the fact that as a child I looked forward to this year more than the others did to 16. As if it would change everything for me.
I wonder how much that believe is causing this state of awareness at the moment. I wonder how much it took part in my decision to stop studying. I have been semi-looking for a job but there are little offers in the direction that I'm seeking. I applied to one but I'm not really expecting much for it. I'm still worried that I took the wrong decision. It's unsettling that it's making me jealous of people who seem to know what they want. I've never been jealous of what people can do or have, maybe it's not even really jealousy. It's just unsettling, it makes me nervous and unsure when I seem to not know which way to go. I keep postponing making an actual real decision and move forward, keep pushing it further away from me but this state of "in-between" is starting to grate.
I might be going to the US end november. It's not certain yet, but then I would be surprised if anything is certain right now. I like the idea of going away, spending some time with![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-syndicated.gif)
hyare and possibly visit some people. On the other end, it's frightening. No, I'm not talking about making a trip like that on my own for the first time (although that in itself is scary enough). I'm just bad at meeting people, I'm withdrawn and I'm afraid I won't be who people think I am. I'm not sure I can handle social contact because I seem to be at a point where my social skills are non existant. Most people just work on my nerves, talking has become a challenge (be it face to face or online). As distant as I feel from myself, it doesn't compare to how distant I feel from other people.
It's a bit of a contradiction; knowing how little I'm expecting from life at the moment and how at the same time my mind seems to be holding its breath for something to happen. A feeling that somehow doesn't feel like it's coming from inside of me. I'm not sure where it's originating from, I don't know what it means or where it will lead. More than likely nothing will happen but there is an undeniable tension underneath the surface; Samhain is nearing.
Samhain marks one of the two great doorways of the Celtic year, for the Celts divided the year into two seasons: the light and the dark, at Beltane on May 1st and Samhain on November 1st. Some believe that Samhain was the more important festival, marking the beginning of a whole new cycle, just as the Celtic day began at night. For it was understood that in dark silence comes whisperings of new beginnings, the stirring of the seed below the ground. Whereas Beltane welcomes in the summer with joyous celebrations at dawn, the most magically potent time of this festival is November Eve, the night of October 31st, known today of course, as Halloween.
It's early dark outside, as if summer decided to skip fall and move right into winter. Maybe it just feels that way because my mind is doing the same. My body and mind are tense, every nerve and sense is alert, anticipating something. I'm not sure what. I'm keeping in my breath, waiting for Hallow's Eve. Something primitive inside of me recognising that old new year's eve. Part of a culture that long ago died but left it's mark on me by synchronising my life with it. And while for the last 22 years this little fact has been fun to know, the 23rd time it seems to have a certain significance, I just wish that I knew what it was. It could merely be the fact that as a child I looked forward to this year more than the others did to 16. As if it would change everything for me.
I wonder how much that believe is causing this state of awareness at the moment. I wonder how much it took part in my decision to stop studying. I have been semi-looking for a job but there are little offers in the direction that I'm seeking. I applied to one but I'm not really expecting much for it. I'm still worried that I took the wrong decision. It's unsettling that it's making me jealous of people who seem to know what they want. I've never been jealous of what people can do or have, maybe it's not even really jealousy. It's just unsettling, it makes me nervous and unsure when I seem to not know which way to go. I keep postponing making an actual real decision and move forward, keep pushing it further away from me but this state of "in-between" is starting to grate.
I might be going to the US end november. It's not certain yet, but then I would be surprised if anything is certain right now. I like the idea of going away, spending some time with
hyare and possibly visit some people. On the other end, it's frightening. No, I'm not talking about making a trip like that on my own for the first time (although that in itself is scary enough). I'm just bad at meeting people, I'm withdrawn and I'm afraid I won't be who people think I am. I'm not sure I can handle social contact because I seem to be at a point where my social skills are non existant. Most people just work on my nerves, talking has become a challenge (be it face to face or online). As distant as I feel from myself, it doesn't compare to how distant I feel from other people. It's a bit of a contradiction; knowing how little I'm expecting from life at the moment and how at the same time my mind seems to be holding its breath for something to happen. A feeling that somehow doesn't feel like it's coming from inside of me. I'm not sure where it's originating from, I don't know what it means or where it will lead. More than likely nothing will happen but there is an undeniable tension underneath the surface; Samhain is nearing.
Samhain marks one of the two great doorways of the Celtic year, for the Celts divided the year into two seasons: the light and the dark, at Beltane on May 1st and Samhain on November 1st. Some believe that Samhain was the more important festival, marking the beginning of a whole new cycle, just as the Celtic day began at night. For it was understood that in dark silence comes whisperings of new beginnings, the stirring of the seed below the ground. Whereas Beltane welcomes in the summer with joyous celebrations at dawn, the most magically potent time of this festival is November Eve, the night of October 31st, known today of course, as Halloween.
