AU!Fic a.k.a Awry: Part 3
Mar. 18th, 2004 10:39 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
woodfaceDisclaimers etc: see part 1. (Part 2)
A/N: Wow, this has taken a while to post. I wanted to end this part somewhere but by the time I got there, I had a chapter twice the length of the previous ones. So I cut it up in two to spare my poor beta's and to be able to post faster. So yes, part 4 is finished but you'll need to hassle first Robert and then Julie for it *g*
With that charming little note, I'd like to thank![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
chiroho for making time in his busy life to beta. And splash_the_cat for going all hyari on my ass. There also are a couple of people who played guinea pig for this part as it was very hard to write. *knuffels you all* You guys rock.
PART 3
FIVE MONTHS AFTER THE ABYDOS MISSION
Sam dropped her shirt and pants on the floor and studied herself in the mirror. She looked down at her belly, caressing the soft skin tenderly. Turning to the side, she eyed her reflection in the mirror. She wasn’t imagining things - she had gained some weight.
A soft chuckle pulled her attention to the door.
Jonas leaned against the wall, his eyes twinkling as he watched her fondly.
“You’re beautiful,” he told her, his eyes sweeping appreciatively over her body.
Sam laughed and shook her head. “Tell me that when I’m as big as a house.”
“You’ll still look beautiful,” Jonas reassured her.
“I thought you were going straight to work,” she said, choosing to ignore the compliment as she picked up her clothes.
“I was,” Jonas entered the room and took the clothes from her hands. “But I have some good news.”
“Oh?” She sat down on the bed and stretched. She wasn’t feeling as tired as she had felt a week ago, but spending hours hunched behind her laptop at base still exhausted her.
“The shrink said that if I continue to make this kind of progress, it won’t be too long before I can stop therapy again.” He smiled and kneeled in front of her, resting his hands on her bare knees.
“Jonas! That’s great!” Sam grinned and hugged him.
“It also means that I can go back to black ops,” he added softly.
Sam pushed his hands from her legs as she stared down at her lap. “Great.”
“I rejected their offer.”
“What? Why?” She looked up to find him smiling at her.
“Because I have everything I need right here. You and our baby. I don’t want to miss a thing. Granted, security isn’t that thrilling a job but at least I’m home more often.”
“Jonas,” Sam shook her head. “I don’t want you to give up a job that you love because of me. You’d regret it, and you’d start blaming me for it. I don’t want that to happen.”
“I’ve been thinking things through ever since you told me you’re pregnant, and this is what I want.”
"You're sure?"
“I'm sure, Sam.” Jonas took her hands in his and kissed her gently. “I want this. I want to be in my son’s life, not write him letters once a month. I need to be here for him as well as for you.”
Sam grinned. “Your daughter.”
“What?”
“It’s going to be a girl.”
“How would you know? It’s too early to know the gender!”
“Mother’s instinct.” Sam smirked.
Jonas shook his head and placed his hand on her stomach.
Sam placed her hand over his and smiled. “I don’t care whether it’s a boy or not.”
“Me either,” Jonas kissed her again, this time drawing it out.
“It’s still a girl though,” Sam whispered against his lips before he pushed her down onto the mattress.
*****
Sam stared at the words on her computer screen, willing them to make sense. They still hadn’t managed to get the Stargate working, and slowly the hope of travelling to planets other than Abydos was starting to fade away. Every week more people were transferred, leaving behind a skeleton crew and a few scientists. General Hammond had decided it was time to investigate alternative applications. At the top of the list was time travel.
She had found a solution, but part of her was glad it was impossible. She had figured out that if a solar flare were to happen at the exact same moment as someone were travelling through the Stargate, the wormhole would be redirected closer to the sun because of Earth’s magnetic field. Due to the increased gravitational pull, the person travelling through the gate would slingshot back to earth. There was one small problem; science wasn’t evolved enough to predict a solar flare.
She’d finished her report yesterday and was looking it over for flaws and typos, but her brain didn’t seem to want to co-operate. Janet – she and the doctor had become friends as her pregnancy continued – had told her most of the symptoms from the early pregnancy should disappear during her tenth and eleventh week. If her current dizziness and nausea were any indication, Janet was wrong.
Sam gasped and gripped the edge of her desk as her stomach cramped. Frowning, she placed a hand on her abdomen and rubbed soothingly. ‘Digestive discomfort,’ Janet had called it. That was an understatement if she’d ever heard one, but this was worse than usual. She ignored the sudden worry, trying to convince herself that every mother went through this, but when her stomach cramped for a second time, the feeling grew stronger.
Deciding to put her fears at ease, Sam stood up and headed to the infirmary, grateful that her lab was on the same level. The symptoms could continue into the second trimester, couldn't they?
She was almost to the infirmary doors when she felt something wet between her legs, and doubled over as another wave of pain crashed over her.
“Captain Carter? Are you alright?” An airman who had just left the infirmary caught her as she almost collapsed to the ground.
She just moaned in response, letting him guide her into the infirmary. The next thing she knew, two pairs of hands were helping her onto the nearest bed.
“Sam? What’s wrong?” Janet asked, gently stroking Sam's hair back. “Is it the baby?”
Sam gritted her teeth and nodded. “I was just finishing a report when I got these cramps.”
She was only half aware of Janet's questions, doing her best to answer them all. It didn’t seem real as a nurse helped her undress. It couldn’t be real. She couldn’t allow it to be, because she wasn’t sure she could handle what she was slowly beginning to realise.
*****
Sam stared at the grey wall, watching Janet’s shadow slide across it as the doctor moved from a filing cabinet, back to the desk in the corner. She was grateful to have a moment alone. The painkillers had numbed her emotions along with the pain in her abdomen. She wished the tears would come, but her body was completely empty. Stifling a desperate moan, she pushed her face in the cool pillow.
Sam held her breath as she heard the click of Janet's heels, waiting for the doctor to move away again. Sam wasn’t sure what she was supposed to say to Janet, or to Jonas for that matter. Janet had asked Sam if she wanted someone to get him, but Sam had told her to wait. She just didn’t know how to tell him she had lost their child.
A hand gently touched her shoulder. “Sam?”
Sam sighed and rolled onto her back, staring at the doctor. She wanted to snap at her, to feel any emotion. But even seeing the worry in Janet’s face, she couldn’t. “Why me?” Her voice sounded as small as she felt.
Janet perched on the edge of the bed. “There isn’t really an explanation, I’m afraid. As far as I can tell you’re in perfect health. There is nothing obvious that caused the miscarriage.”
The word alone made her cringe. “So why me?”
Janet stared at the sheets. “I don’t know, Sam. Thirty percent of all pregnancies end in a miscarriage. Most women don’t even find out they’re pregnant. It’s believed that it happens because of a spontaneous genetic or structural abnormality in the baby. I’m afraid most of the time, there just isn’t an explanation.”
“I knew that, I mean I read about it. It’s just...” Sam shut her eyes for a moment, trying to fight back the guilt that was rising inside her. “You just don’t expect it to happen to you. They’re just numbers, and you don’t think you’ll be one of them. I just wish there was something I could have done.”
Janet nodded and took Sam’s hands. “Honey, I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through, but you have to know something; this was not your fault. You did everything you were supposed to do.”
Sam bit her lip and for the first time, tears formed in her eyes. “It wasn’t enough,” she heard the desperation in her own voice. “It wasn’t enough, Janet.”
She didn’t protest when Janet enfolded her in her arms. She clung to the doctor’s small frame, letting her grief take over, and the tears rolled down her cheeks.
*****
Sam had no idea how long she had been crying. Janet was still holding Sam’s hand, rubbing her thumb gently over the knuckles.
Sam gave her a watery smile.
“Sam, do you want me to call Jonas? He should know. It’s important that you both get through this together,” Janet gently urged.
Sam nodded and swallowed hard, still unsure how to tell her husband. “Yeah, but he’s not at home. He’s on duty, so you’ll have to call topside.”
“Okay, I’ll see if I can get hold of him.” Janet slipped from the bed.
“Janet?” She watched the doctor turn around. “Can you please not tell him yet? I’d like to tell him myself.”
“Are you sure, Sam? I could do it for you.”
“No, it will be alright. I feel like I should be the one to tell him.” After all, she was also the one who’d brought him the hope of a child.
“Okay, if you’re sure. But if you change your mind, just let me know.”
Sam nodded. “Thanks.”
It seemed like an eternity before Jonas finally appeared. He stood just inside the door, his eyes sweeping over the room. When he saw Janet, he took a step in her direction, but then noticed Sam and quickly walked up to her bed.
“Sam? What’s going on?” He stopped beside her bed and took her hand. “Are you alright?”
She bit back the cynical reply that she wouldn’t be in the infirmary if she was alright. “No, not really.” She answered instead and looked quickly in Janet’s direction. Although the doctor was obviously bent over a file, Sam knew Janet’s mind was probably on her and Jonas.
“Sam?” Jonas asked nervously, pulling her attention back to him. She looked up to find concern in his eyes and quickly stared at his chest instead. He was breathing heavily, probably from running down to the infirmary to see her.
His fingers tightened their hold on her hand, and Sam restrained the urge to pull away. She had lost their child. Killed the hope she had seen in his eyes every day since she had told him she was pregnant.
“Sam? Please, tell me what’s going on.” He was pleading now. “Are you alright?”
“I... I will be, but...” she swallowed hard and fought the tears pricking in her eyes.
“But what?” He urged her to continue. She knew the moment he realised what was wrong. His body tensed, the quick movement of his chest stopped and then his hand fell away from hers.
“I lost the baby,” she said softly, unable to look at his face.
Silence. She wished he would rage at her.
“How?” Sam flinched at the sound of his voice, unable to identify the raging emotions that lay beneath it.
She just stared at the white sheets. “Janet says she doesn’t have an explanation. That in most cases... they are unable to determine the cause.”
She didn’t have to see his face; she knew his reaction when Janet ordered him into her office. She didn’t need to be able to make out the words to understand their hushed but sharp exchange.
Sam closed her eyes and tried to ignore them. When she opened her eyes again, she stared at her shaking hands. She tried to will them to still, but it didn’t seem like she had any control left over her body. Jonas’ voice rose, and then Janet’s went up a notch. Words drifted through the closed door; bleeding, inevitable, miscarriage, fault...
Not able to take anymore, Sam pushed herself off the bed. She didn’t know if it was from the loss of blood or the drain of emotions, but she felt like she would collapse any moment. Clenching her jaw, she managed to get to the door.
As she opened it, angry words tumbled over her.
“You can’t tell me it just happened! Something must have caused it! Did she fall? Did she overwork? Is there something...”
“No!” Janet glared at him, not noticing Sam. “This is not Sam’s fault. She didn't do anything wrong.”
Sam squared her shoulders and opened the door further. The noise caused Janet and Jonas to stop arguing.
Sam pretended she hadn’t heard a word. “Janet, I’d like to go home.”
Janet sighed. “I know, honey.” She threw a last glare at Jonas before coercing Sam into a chair. “But I’d prefer it if you stayed overnight.”
“I thought you said there was nothing you could do.”
“There isn’t. You had a complete abortion.”
Sam tried not to flinch at the harsh word and avoided looking at Jonas.
“I can’t do more than give you some painkillers, but I’d just like to keep an eye on you and make sure your bleeding doesn’t get worse.” Janet gently squeezed Sam’s shoulder. “You should be fine, but I’d feel better if I could keep an eye on you. Okay?”
Sam nodded mutely, too tired to argue. She wasn’t sure if she could handle being alone with Jonas right now anyway. As much as she wished he’d just hold her, she knew she couldn’t make this better again.
Unconsciously, her eyes moved towards Jonas. His lips were tightly pressed together, and his eyes were glittering with the same pain that was reigning inside her.
“Jonas,” she whispered.
His eyes met hers, and Sam was scared that the desperation in them would sweep her away and consume her.
“What?” He asked gruffly, his fists clenching by his side.
“You should go home. Get some rest.”
Jonas shook his head and rubbed a hand tiredly through his hair. “I... No, you shouldn’t be alone.” Sam watched the powerful emotions drain from his body, leaving only an empty shell.
“I’ll be fine.” She didn’t want to see what she had done to him. “Janet will be here.” She looked hopefully at the doctor, who nodded in agreement.
“Go home, Jonas.” She was pleading now.
“Are you sure?” He tilted his head.
“Yes, I am.” She lied.
“Okay then, if you say so.” He didn’t look convinced, but he moved closer to her, bending down to kiss her, but Sam turned her head away. His breath swept over her cheek, and she closed her eyes as her whole body went rigid, anticipating his touch. It never came.
Sam opened her eyes just in time to see him leave.
“Sam?” Janet asked softly, squeezing her shoulder to get her attention.
“No, Janet. Please, I just want to get some sleep.” Sam looked up at her pleadingly.
Janet sighed. “Okay. We’ll talk tomorrow,” she promised.
*****
They never did talk. General Hammond dropped by the infirmary first thing in the morning. When he left, Sam found herself on a two weeks leave. Apparently he’d given Jonas the same offer, but Jonas had refused, taking only one day off instead.
Sam wasn’t sure if she was relieved or disappointed when her husband didn’t turn up. Janet did try broaching the subject again, but Sam just ignored her. By lunch, Janet finally decided Sam was well enough to go home. Since Sam refused to call Jonas to collect her, Janet forced her to be driven home by an airmen, despite Sam’s protests that she was fine.
When she finally arrived home, the house was deserted. There was no sign of Jonas anywhere, and even though she was somewhat happy to have a moment alone, her disappointment was even greater. She installed herself on the couch and listened to the silent house. The emptiness of the rooms pressed heavily on her. Every breath she took was a conscious one, as if she needed to force her body to keep functioning. If she ignored the sound of cars passing by, it was easy to imagine she was the only living person left in the world. As if it had been drained of life - just like she had. It was a lot harder, however, to ignore the voices of children walking home from school. She suddenly wished Jonas would come home so she could bury herself in his arms and forget everything around her, but she doubted he’d let her.
Only the sound of her stomach growling made her consciously aware of the hours that had dragged by. It had been dark outside for a while, and still there was no sign of Jonas. Sam doubted anything would make it past the lump in her throat so decided to go against Janet’s orders. It took all her will to make it into the bathroom and perform the ritual tasks she always went through before bed.
When she finally got there, it felt too big. Her eyes strained to make out the dark shapes outside the window. She had no clue how long she had been lying there before she heard Jonas’ car pull up in the driveway. She just listened as he made his way through the house and finally into the bedroom.
He didn’t even acknowledge her and just went into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Sam considered pretending she was asleep, but Janet’s words came back to her. They needed to get through this together. Gathering up all of her courage, Sam sat up in the bed, waiting for Jonas to emerge again.
When he finally did, he wordlessly crawled into bed, still ignoring her.
“Jonas?” She wished she didn’t sound so insecure.
“What?” He growled and rolled onto his side, his back towards her.
Swallowing, she tentatively touched his shoulder. “We need to talk.”
He didn’t respond for a while, and Sam feared he had fallen asleep.
“No, we don’t. There’s nothing left to talk about.”
“Jonas,” she insisted.
Angrily he turned and her hand dropped off his shoulder. He sighed, and when he spoke again, all the anger seemed to have slipped away. “Not now, okay?” He pleaded with her.
Sam nodded mutely as Jonas lay back down.
For a while she watched him, unable to join him. She kept waiting for Jonas to fall asleep but soon realised that he would get as much sleep as she would.
Silently, she slipped out of bed, and decided to lie awake in the guestroom instead. She could feel Jonas’ eyes following her as she left, but he never tried to stop her.
*****
Sam woke up from the sun shining on her face. She hadn’t expected to fall sleep, but apparently she had been more tired than she’d thought. It took a moment to realise that she was in the guestroom instead of their bedroom. The left wall was barely visible behind the piled boxes that still had to be unpacked. Perhaps she’d get the time to do that since General Hammond had forced her to take some time off.
Her stomach protested loudly at the lack of food and Sam got out of bed. If she just kept busy, she wouldn’t have to think too much about what happened. Not until she talked to Jonas anyway.
She found a note on the kitchen table. The sloppiness of Jonas’ handwriting suggesting he had quickly written it before dashing out of the house.
“Sam,
I’m sorry about last night. I just needed to straighten out my thoughts before I could talk about it. I’ll see you tonight.
Jonas.
PS: I made you some O.J. and put it in the fridge.”
Jonas’ way of apologising always seemed to involve breakfast. Shaking her head, she opened the fridge and pulled out the jug of orange juice. She still wasn’t sure if she could swallow anything, but right now her stomach didn’t care. She poured out the Froot Loops that Jonas had forgotten to put away, and ate enough to dull the growling.
After breakfast and a long shower, she found herself standing in the guestroom again. They had planned to unpack everything the week after the move, knowing that if they didn’t it would probably stay packed forever. She decided that she would prove that theory wrong. Besides, she wanted to find her photo album and it was in one of those boxes. The box she had chosen had seemed logical at the time. Unfortunately she couldn’t remember the logic she’d used at the time.
She started to take boxes down, opening them to find clothes, but no album. After several boxes, Sam decided she could never have owned so much clothing. As she pulled down the top box of the next pile, a plastic bag fell out of it and spilled its contents on the floor. Frowning, Sam put down the box and reached for the bag. Something had rolled under the bed, so she got down on all fours and reached for it.
A teddy bear. She had kept all her bears from when she was a kid, but she couldn’t remember this one. Besides, it seemed new, and all her bears had that worn quality to them. Cradling the bear, she picked up what had fallen out of the bag - clothes, but not hers. Baby clothes. Her hand trembled as she picked up small pyjamas with a bunny on the front. The price tag still dangled from the sleeve.
She and Jonas had agreed they wouldn’t buy any baby stuff until the fifth month. They hadn’t wanted to jinx it, but apparently Jonas hadn’t been able to resist.
Closing her eyes, Sam hugged the teddy. Jonas had been so happy these last few months. Not a day had gone by that she had woken up in the morning to find him touching her belly. It was like before all his black ops missions, as if somehow the dreamer she had married had been returned to her. They had been given a chance to become a real family, and now her body had taken that away from him again.
She didn’t know how to face him. There weren’t any words to apologise for taking all his dreams away again. Everything she could say seemed so insignificant.
Gazing down at the teddy in her arms, she knew she couldn’t talk to him. Yesterday she had wanted to try, but now she didn’t know if she could face the hurt she had seen in his eyes. Ultimately, despite anything Janet had said, she had taken their child from him.
Never in her life had she felt this helpless before. Not even after the death of her mother. It had been so much easier to blame the cabdriver - the driver in the car that hit them. Mark had done it too, only he had found the Air Force and their father guilty. Perhaps Jonas would do the same. Except, Sam wasn’t sure could put up with it the way her father had.
Before her mind was even fully made up, Sam picked up the phone. It took a moment to remember the number. She hadn’t talked to him since she had moved to Colorado.
“Carter.” The snappy reply came only after one ring.
“Dad?” She asked uncertainly as she sat down on the leather couch. He hadn’t been happy with her transfer. They had exchanged sharp words when he'd accused her of ruining her chance to get into NASA if she went to Cheyenne Mountain.
“Hey, Sam. How’s my little girl?” As it always was with him, he chose to ignore the argument they’d had, and just pretend everything was fine. For once, she didn’t mind.
“Dad...” She hadn’t meant to break down on the telephone but as soon as she said his name, the tears started to spill.
“Sam? What’s wrong?” She could hear his concern, but wasn’t capable of getting out a response. “Sammie, honey. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“I messed up, Dad.” She stuttered the words, wiping her tears away with a shaking hand.
“Sam,” Jacob tried to soothe her. “I’m sure it isn’t as bad as it feels right now.”
Sam sneered, and angrily wiped at the tears that threatened to spill again. “Oh, trust me, it is.”
“Then tell me what’s going on, Sam. I can’t help you like this.”
She shook her head. They hadn’t told their parents about the pregnancy, and this wasn’t how she wanted to break the news to him.
“Sam, please. Is it Jonas? Has something happened between you?”
“No, it isn’t Jonas. Not directly anyway. It’s...” She exhaled slowly, trying to get her emotions under control. “I can’t tell you like this, dad. Not over the telephone.”
“Do you want me to come out there?” Jacob asked without hesitation.
Sam sighed and looked around the living room. It didn’t feel like her home right now. As much as she had loved the house when they moved in, right now it felt strange and awkward. “No.”
“Sam?”
“No, I’d rather come and see you.” It suddenly all became clear. She couldn’t stay here and deal with Jonas’ anger and disappointment. At least not until she had control over her own feelings. Even if she and her dad weren't on the best of terms, he was still her father, and she knew he wouldn’t turn her down. “I think I need to get away for a while.”
“Okay, go pack your things and then head to the airport. I’ll make sure you’ve got a seat on the next plane to Washington.”
“Dad, I don’t need you to pay...”
“Sam, humour me. Okay?” Jacob interrupted her objection.
She nodded, smiling slightly in relief. “Thank you,” she whispered.
“Anytime. Now go get ready. I’ll pick you up from the airport,” he promised.
A/N: Wow, this has taken a while to post. I wanted to end this part somewhere but by the time I got there, I had a chapter twice the length of the previous ones. So I cut it up in two to spare my poor beta's and to be able to post faster. So yes, part 4 is finished but you'll need to hassle first Robert and then Julie for it *g*
With that charming little note, I'd like to thank
chiroho for making time in his busy life to beta. And splash_the_cat for going all hyari on my ass. There also are a couple of people who played guinea pig for this part as it was very hard to write. *knuffels you all* You guys rock. PART 3
FIVE MONTHS AFTER THE ABYDOS MISSION
Sam dropped her shirt and pants on the floor and studied herself in the mirror. She looked down at her belly, caressing the soft skin tenderly. Turning to the side, she eyed her reflection in the mirror. She wasn’t imagining things - she had gained some weight.
A soft chuckle pulled her attention to the door.
Jonas leaned against the wall, his eyes twinkling as he watched her fondly.
“You’re beautiful,” he told her, his eyes sweeping appreciatively over her body.
Sam laughed and shook her head. “Tell me that when I’m as big as a house.”
“You’ll still look beautiful,” Jonas reassured her.
“I thought you were going straight to work,” she said, choosing to ignore the compliment as she picked up her clothes.
“I was,” Jonas entered the room and took the clothes from her hands. “But I have some good news.”
“Oh?” She sat down on the bed and stretched. She wasn’t feeling as tired as she had felt a week ago, but spending hours hunched behind her laptop at base still exhausted her.
“The shrink said that if I continue to make this kind of progress, it won’t be too long before I can stop therapy again.” He smiled and kneeled in front of her, resting his hands on her bare knees.
“Jonas! That’s great!” Sam grinned and hugged him.
“It also means that I can go back to black ops,” he added softly.
Sam pushed his hands from her legs as she stared down at her lap. “Great.”
“I rejected their offer.”
“What? Why?” She looked up to find him smiling at her.
“Because I have everything I need right here. You and our baby. I don’t want to miss a thing. Granted, security isn’t that thrilling a job but at least I’m home more often.”
“Jonas,” Sam shook her head. “I don’t want you to give up a job that you love because of me. You’d regret it, and you’d start blaming me for it. I don’t want that to happen.”
“I’ve been thinking things through ever since you told me you’re pregnant, and this is what I want.”
"You're sure?"
“I'm sure, Sam.” Jonas took her hands in his and kissed her gently. “I want this. I want to be in my son’s life, not write him letters once a month. I need to be here for him as well as for you.”
Sam grinned. “Your daughter.”
“What?”
“It’s going to be a girl.”
“How would you know? It’s too early to know the gender!”
“Mother’s instinct.” Sam smirked.
Jonas shook his head and placed his hand on her stomach.
Sam placed her hand over his and smiled. “I don’t care whether it’s a boy or not.”
“Me either,” Jonas kissed her again, this time drawing it out.
“It’s still a girl though,” Sam whispered against his lips before he pushed her down onto the mattress.
*****
Sam stared at the words on her computer screen, willing them to make sense. They still hadn’t managed to get the Stargate working, and slowly the hope of travelling to planets other than Abydos was starting to fade away. Every week more people were transferred, leaving behind a skeleton crew and a few scientists. General Hammond had decided it was time to investigate alternative applications. At the top of the list was time travel.
She had found a solution, but part of her was glad it was impossible. She had figured out that if a solar flare were to happen at the exact same moment as someone were travelling through the Stargate, the wormhole would be redirected closer to the sun because of Earth’s magnetic field. Due to the increased gravitational pull, the person travelling through the gate would slingshot back to earth. There was one small problem; science wasn’t evolved enough to predict a solar flare.
She’d finished her report yesterday and was looking it over for flaws and typos, but her brain didn’t seem to want to co-operate. Janet – she and the doctor had become friends as her pregnancy continued – had told her most of the symptoms from the early pregnancy should disappear during her tenth and eleventh week. If her current dizziness and nausea were any indication, Janet was wrong.
Sam gasped and gripped the edge of her desk as her stomach cramped. Frowning, she placed a hand on her abdomen and rubbed soothingly. ‘Digestive discomfort,’ Janet had called it. That was an understatement if she’d ever heard one, but this was worse than usual. She ignored the sudden worry, trying to convince herself that every mother went through this, but when her stomach cramped for a second time, the feeling grew stronger.
Deciding to put her fears at ease, Sam stood up and headed to the infirmary, grateful that her lab was on the same level. The symptoms could continue into the second trimester, couldn't they?
She was almost to the infirmary doors when she felt something wet between her legs, and doubled over as another wave of pain crashed over her.
“Captain Carter? Are you alright?” An airman who had just left the infirmary caught her as she almost collapsed to the ground.
She just moaned in response, letting him guide her into the infirmary. The next thing she knew, two pairs of hands were helping her onto the nearest bed.
“Sam? What’s wrong?” Janet asked, gently stroking Sam's hair back. “Is it the baby?”
Sam gritted her teeth and nodded. “I was just finishing a report when I got these cramps.”
She was only half aware of Janet's questions, doing her best to answer them all. It didn’t seem real as a nurse helped her undress. It couldn’t be real. She couldn’t allow it to be, because she wasn’t sure she could handle what she was slowly beginning to realise.
*****
Sam stared at the grey wall, watching Janet’s shadow slide across it as the doctor moved from a filing cabinet, back to the desk in the corner. She was grateful to have a moment alone. The painkillers had numbed her emotions along with the pain in her abdomen. She wished the tears would come, but her body was completely empty. Stifling a desperate moan, she pushed her face in the cool pillow.
Sam held her breath as she heard the click of Janet's heels, waiting for the doctor to move away again. Sam wasn’t sure what she was supposed to say to Janet, or to Jonas for that matter. Janet had asked Sam if she wanted someone to get him, but Sam had told her to wait. She just didn’t know how to tell him she had lost their child.
A hand gently touched her shoulder. “Sam?”
Sam sighed and rolled onto her back, staring at the doctor. She wanted to snap at her, to feel any emotion. But even seeing the worry in Janet’s face, she couldn’t. “Why me?” Her voice sounded as small as she felt.
Janet perched on the edge of the bed. “There isn’t really an explanation, I’m afraid. As far as I can tell you’re in perfect health. There is nothing obvious that caused the miscarriage.”
The word alone made her cringe. “So why me?”
Janet stared at the sheets. “I don’t know, Sam. Thirty percent of all pregnancies end in a miscarriage. Most women don’t even find out they’re pregnant. It’s believed that it happens because of a spontaneous genetic or structural abnormality in the baby. I’m afraid most of the time, there just isn’t an explanation.”
“I knew that, I mean I read about it. It’s just...” Sam shut her eyes for a moment, trying to fight back the guilt that was rising inside her. “You just don’t expect it to happen to you. They’re just numbers, and you don’t think you’ll be one of them. I just wish there was something I could have done.”
Janet nodded and took Sam’s hands. “Honey, I can’t pretend to know what you’re going through, but you have to know something; this was not your fault. You did everything you were supposed to do.”
Sam bit her lip and for the first time, tears formed in her eyes. “It wasn’t enough,” she heard the desperation in her own voice. “It wasn’t enough, Janet.”
She didn’t protest when Janet enfolded her in her arms. She clung to the doctor’s small frame, letting her grief take over, and the tears rolled down her cheeks.
*****
Sam had no idea how long she had been crying. Janet was still holding Sam’s hand, rubbing her thumb gently over the knuckles.
Sam gave her a watery smile.
“Sam, do you want me to call Jonas? He should know. It’s important that you both get through this together,” Janet gently urged.
Sam nodded and swallowed hard, still unsure how to tell her husband. “Yeah, but he’s not at home. He’s on duty, so you’ll have to call topside.”
“Okay, I’ll see if I can get hold of him.” Janet slipped from the bed.
“Janet?” She watched the doctor turn around. “Can you please not tell him yet? I’d like to tell him myself.”
“Are you sure, Sam? I could do it for you.”
“No, it will be alright. I feel like I should be the one to tell him.” After all, she was also the one who’d brought him the hope of a child.
“Okay, if you’re sure. But if you change your mind, just let me know.”
Sam nodded. “Thanks.”
It seemed like an eternity before Jonas finally appeared. He stood just inside the door, his eyes sweeping over the room. When he saw Janet, he took a step in her direction, but then noticed Sam and quickly walked up to her bed.
“Sam? What’s going on?” He stopped beside her bed and took her hand. “Are you alright?”
She bit back the cynical reply that she wouldn’t be in the infirmary if she was alright. “No, not really.” She answered instead and looked quickly in Janet’s direction. Although the doctor was obviously bent over a file, Sam knew Janet’s mind was probably on her and Jonas.
“Sam?” Jonas asked nervously, pulling her attention back to him. She looked up to find concern in his eyes and quickly stared at his chest instead. He was breathing heavily, probably from running down to the infirmary to see her.
His fingers tightened their hold on her hand, and Sam restrained the urge to pull away. She had lost their child. Killed the hope she had seen in his eyes every day since she had told him she was pregnant.
“Sam? Please, tell me what’s going on.” He was pleading now. “Are you alright?”
“I... I will be, but...” she swallowed hard and fought the tears pricking in her eyes.
“But what?” He urged her to continue. She knew the moment he realised what was wrong. His body tensed, the quick movement of his chest stopped and then his hand fell away from hers.
“I lost the baby,” she said softly, unable to look at his face.
Silence. She wished he would rage at her.
“How?” Sam flinched at the sound of his voice, unable to identify the raging emotions that lay beneath it.
She just stared at the white sheets. “Janet says she doesn’t have an explanation. That in most cases... they are unable to determine the cause.”
She didn’t have to see his face; she knew his reaction when Janet ordered him into her office. She didn’t need to be able to make out the words to understand their hushed but sharp exchange.
Sam closed her eyes and tried to ignore them. When she opened her eyes again, she stared at her shaking hands. She tried to will them to still, but it didn’t seem like she had any control left over her body. Jonas’ voice rose, and then Janet’s went up a notch. Words drifted through the closed door; bleeding, inevitable, miscarriage, fault...
Not able to take anymore, Sam pushed herself off the bed. She didn’t know if it was from the loss of blood or the drain of emotions, but she felt like she would collapse any moment. Clenching her jaw, she managed to get to the door.
As she opened it, angry words tumbled over her.
“You can’t tell me it just happened! Something must have caused it! Did she fall? Did she overwork? Is there something...”
“No!” Janet glared at him, not noticing Sam. “This is not Sam’s fault. She didn't do anything wrong.”
Sam squared her shoulders and opened the door further. The noise caused Janet and Jonas to stop arguing.
Sam pretended she hadn’t heard a word. “Janet, I’d like to go home.”
Janet sighed. “I know, honey.” She threw a last glare at Jonas before coercing Sam into a chair. “But I’d prefer it if you stayed overnight.”
“I thought you said there was nothing you could do.”
“There isn’t. You had a complete abortion.”
Sam tried not to flinch at the harsh word and avoided looking at Jonas.
“I can’t do more than give you some painkillers, but I’d just like to keep an eye on you and make sure your bleeding doesn’t get worse.” Janet gently squeezed Sam’s shoulder. “You should be fine, but I’d feel better if I could keep an eye on you. Okay?”
Sam nodded mutely, too tired to argue. She wasn’t sure if she could handle being alone with Jonas right now anyway. As much as she wished he’d just hold her, she knew she couldn’t make this better again.
Unconsciously, her eyes moved towards Jonas. His lips were tightly pressed together, and his eyes were glittering with the same pain that was reigning inside her.
“Jonas,” she whispered.
His eyes met hers, and Sam was scared that the desperation in them would sweep her away and consume her.
“What?” He asked gruffly, his fists clenching by his side.
“You should go home. Get some rest.”
Jonas shook his head and rubbed a hand tiredly through his hair. “I... No, you shouldn’t be alone.” Sam watched the powerful emotions drain from his body, leaving only an empty shell.
“I’ll be fine.” She didn’t want to see what she had done to him. “Janet will be here.” She looked hopefully at the doctor, who nodded in agreement.
“Go home, Jonas.” She was pleading now.
“Are you sure?” He tilted his head.
“Yes, I am.” She lied.
“Okay then, if you say so.” He didn’t look convinced, but he moved closer to her, bending down to kiss her, but Sam turned her head away. His breath swept over her cheek, and she closed her eyes as her whole body went rigid, anticipating his touch. It never came.
Sam opened her eyes just in time to see him leave.
“Sam?” Janet asked softly, squeezing her shoulder to get her attention.
“No, Janet. Please, I just want to get some sleep.” Sam looked up at her pleadingly.
Janet sighed. “Okay. We’ll talk tomorrow,” she promised.
*****
They never did talk. General Hammond dropped by the infirmary first thing in the morning. When he left, Sam found herself on a two weeks leave. Apparently he’d given Jonas the same offer, but Jonas had refused, taking only one day off instead.
Sam wasn’t sure if she was relieved or disappointed when her husband didn’t turn up. Janet did try broaching the subject again, but Sam just ignored her. By lunch, Janet finally decided Sam was well enough to go home. Since Sam refused to call Jonas to collect her, Janet forced her to be driven home by an airmen, despite Sam’s protests that she was fine.
When she finally arrived home, the house was deserted. There was no sign of Jonas anywhere, and even though she was somewhat happy to have a moment alone, her disappointment was even greater. She installed herself on the couch and listened to the silent house. The emptiness of the rooms pressed heavily on her. Every breath she took was a conscious one, as if she needed to force her body to keep functioning. If she ignored the sound of cars passing by, it was easy to imagine she was the only living person left in the world. As if it had been drained of life - just like she had. It was a lot harder, however, to ignore the voices of children walking home from school. She suddenly wished Jonas would come home so she could bury herself in his arms and forget everything around her, but she doubted he’d let her.
Only the sound of her stomach growling made her consciously aware of the hours that had dragged by. It had been dark outside for a while, and still there was no sign of Jonas. Sam doubted anything would make it past the lump in her throat so decided to go against Janet’s orders. It took all her will to make it into the bathroom and perform the ritual tasks she always went through before bed.
When she finally got there, it felt too big. Her eyes strained to make out the dark shapes outside the window. She had no clue how long she had been lying there before she heard Jonas’ car pull up in the driveway. She just listened as he made his way through the house and finally into the bedroom.
He didn’t even acknowledge her and just went into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Sam considered pretending she was asleep, but Janet’s words came back to her. They needed to get through this together. Gathering up all of her courage, Sam sat up in the bed, waiting for Jonas to emerge again.
When he finally did, he wordlessly crawled into bed, still ignoring her.
“Jonas?” She wished she didn’t sound so insecure.
“What?” He growled and rolled onto his side, his back towards her.
Swallowing, she tentatively touched his shoulder. “We need to talk.”
He didn’t respond for a while, and Sam feared he had fallen asleep.
“No, we don’t. There’s nothing left to talk about.”
“Jonas,” she insisted.
Angrily he turned and her hand dropped off his shoulder. He sighed, and when he spoke again, all the anger seemed to have slipped away. “Not now, okay?” He pleaded with her.
Sam nodded mutely as Jonas lay back down.
For a while she watched him, unable to join him. She kept waiting for Jonas to fall asleep but soon realised that he would get as much sleep as she would.
Silently, she slipped out of bed, and decided to lie awake in the guestroom instead. She could feel Jonas’ eyes following her as she left, but he never tried to stop her.
*****
Sam woke up from the sun shining on her face. She hadn’t expected to fall sleep, but apparently she had been more tired than she’d thought. It took a moment to realise that she was in the guestroom instead of their bedroom. The left wall was barely visible behind the piled boxes that still had to be unpacked. Perhaps she’d get the time to do that since General Hammond had forced her to take some time off.
Her stomach protested loudly at the lack of food and Sam got out of bed. If she just kept busy, she wouldn’t have to think too much about what happened. Not until she talked to Jonas anyway.
She found a note on the kitchen table. The sloppiness of Jonas’ handwriting suggesting he had quickly written it before dashing out of the house.
“Sam,
I’m sorry about last night. I just needed to straighten out my thoughts before I could talk about it. I’ll see you tonight.
Jonas.
PS: I made you some O.J. and put it in the fridge.”
Jonas’ way of apologising always seemed to involve breakfast. Shaking her head, she opened the fridge and pulled out the jug of orange juice. She still wasn’t sure if she could swallow anything, but right now her stomach didn’t care. She poured out the Froot Loops that Jonas had forgotten to put away, and ate enough to dull the growling.
After breakfast and a long shower, she found herself standing in the guestroom again. They had planned to unpack everything the week after the move, knowing that if they didn’t it would probably stay packed forever. She decided that she would prove that theory wrong. Besides, she wanted to find her photo album and it was in one of those boxes. The box she had chosen had seemed logical at the time. Unfortunately she couldn’t remember the logic she’d used at the time.
She started to take boxes down, opening them to find clothes, but no album. After several boxes, Sam decided she could never have owned so much clothing. As she pulled down the top box of the next pile, a plastic bag fell out of it and spilled its contents on the floor. Frowning, Sam put down the box and reached for the bag. Something had rolled under the bed, so she got down on all fours and reached for it.
A teddy bear. She had kept all her bears from when she was a kid, but she couldn’t remember this one. Besides, it seemed new, and all her bears had that worn quality to them. Cradling the bear, she picked up what had fallen out of the bag - clothes, but not hers. Baby clothes. Her hand trembled as she picked up small pyjamas with a bunny on the front. The price tag still dangled from the sleeve.
She and Jonas had agreed they wouldn’t buy any baby stuff until the fifth month. They hadn’t wanted to jinx it, but apparently Jonas hadn’t been able to resist.
Closing her eyes, Sam hugged the teddy. Jonas had been so happy these last few months. Not a day had gone by that she had woken up in the morning to find him touching her belly. It was like before all his black ops missions, as if somehow the dreamer she had married had been returned to her. They had been given a chance to become a real family, and now her body had taken that away from him again.
She didn’t know how to face him. There weren’t any words to apologise for taking all his dreams away again. Everything she could say seemed so insignificant.
Gazing down at the teddy in her arms, she knew she couldn’t talk to him. Yesterday she had wanted to try, but now she didn’t know if she could face the hurt she had seen in his eyes. Ultimately, despite anything Janet had said, she had taken their child from him.
Never in her life had she felt this helpless before. Not even after the death of her mother. It had been so much easier to blame the cabdriver - the driver in the car that hit them. Mark had done it too, only he had found the Air Force and their father guilty. Perhaps Jonas would do the same. Except, Sam wasn’t sure could put up with it the way her father had.
Before her mind was even fully made up, Sam picked up the phone. It took a moment to remember the number. She hadn’t talked to him since she had moved to Colorado.
“Carter.” The snappy reply came only after one ring.
“Dad?” She asked uncertainly as she sat down on the leather couch. He hadn’t been happy with her transfer. They had exchanged sharp words when he'd accused her of ruining her chance to get into NASA if she went to Cheyenne Mountain.
“Hey, Sam. How’s my little girl?” As it always was with him, he chose to ignore the argument they’d had, and just pretend everything was fine. For once, she didn’t mind.
“Dad...” She hadn’t meant to break down on the telephone but as soon as she said his name, the tears started to spill.
“Sam? What’s wrong?” She could hear his concern, but wasn’t capable of getting out a response. “Sammie, honey. Tell me what’s wrong.”
“I messed up, Dad.” She stuttered the words, wiping her tears away with a shaking hand.
“Sam,” Jacob tried to soothe her. “I’m sure it isn’t as bad as it feels right now.”
Sam sneered, and angrily wiped at the tears that threatened to spill again. “Oh, trust me, it is.”
“Then tell me what’s going on, Sam. I can’t help you like this.”
She shook her head. They hadn’t told their parents about the pregnancy, and this wasn’t how she wanted to break the news to him.
“Sam, please. Is it Jonas? Has something happened between you?”
“No, it isn’t Jonas. Not directly anyway. It’s...” She exhaled slowly, trying to get her emotions under control. “I can’t tell you like this, dad. Not over the telephone.”
“Do you want me to come out there?” Jacob asked without hesitation.
Sam sighed and looked around the living room. It didn’t feel like her home right now. As much as she had loved the house when they moved in, right now it felt strange and awkward. “No.”
“Sam?”
“No, I’d rather come and see you.” It suddenly all became clear. She couldn’t stay here and deal with Jonas’ anger and disappointment. At least not until she had control over her own feelings. Even if she and her dad weren't on the best of terms, he was still her father, and she knew he wouldn’t turn her down. “I think I need to get away for a while.”
“Okay, go pack your things and then head to the airport. I’ll make sure you’ve got a seat on the next plane to Washington.”
“Dad, I don’t need you to pay...”
“Sam, humour me. Okay?” Jacob interrupted her objection.
She nodded, smiling slightly in relief. “Thank you,” she whispered.
“Anytime. Now go get ready. I’ll pick you up from the airport,” he promised.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2004-03-19 12:12 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-19 12:14 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-19 01:41 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-19 03:47 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-19 04:16 am (UTC)Ooo, I like that bit. :)
As much as she wished he’d just hold her, she knew she couldn’t make this better again.
*siiiigh* Awww. :(
Keep it coming, bunny!
no subject
Date: 2004-03-19 08:50 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-19 08:51 am (UTC)*cringes* Yeah, you're probably right.
*goes to apologise to Sam*
Okay, time to bug Rob for the beta of part 4. This is sweet agony.
*giggles* Poor Rob ;o)
no subject
Date: 2004-03-19 08:56 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-19 11:01 am (UTC)You had some lovely detail in there, yet still the undercurrent of mixed emotions that Sam is experiencing.
The bit with the teddy made me cry. Is making me cry. That's so sad.
I understand your thesis is waaaaay more important, but I am hoping for the next part soon.
Well done.
no subject
Date: 2004-03-19 11:45 am (UTC)Next part is with Robert right now so it shouldn't take too long to get finished.
Thank you!
no subject
Date: 2004-03-19 04:28 pm (UTC)waiting for 4 and hoping coerent thoughts return to my lil' head so i can try and do a 'correct' comment ;)
no subject
Date: 2004-03-19 04:30 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-19 07:03 pm (UTC)Poor Sam and in a way poor Jonas - gah can't believe I said that, look what you're doing to me ;)
You write in such an engaging way. I started reading and wasn't aware of anything else until I had read the last word!
Can't wait for part 4 ;)
no subject
Date: 2004-03-19 10:13 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-19 11:18 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-03-19 11:20 pm (UTC)*g* That's the point!
You write in such an engaging way. I started reading and wasn't aware of anything else until I had read the last word!
Wow *blush* thank you. A lot of credit goes to Robert and Julie though, they kicked my ass good on this part.
Glad you enjoyed it! =o)